Deeper [Caroline & West #1]

When Caroline Piasecki’s ex-boyfriend posts their sex pictures on the Internet, it destroys her reputation as a nice college girl. Suddenly her once-promising future doesn’t look so bright. Caroline tries to make the pictures disappear, hoping time will bury her shame. Then a guy she barely knows rises to her defense and punches her ex to the ground. West Leavitt is the last person Caroline needs in her life. Everyone knows he’s shady. Still, Caroline is drawn to his confidence and swagger—even after promising her dad she’ll keep her distance. On late, sleepless nights, Caroline starts wandering into the bakery where West works. They hang out, they talk, they listen. Though Caroline and West tell each other they’re “just friends,” their feelings intensify until it becomes impossible to pretend. The more complicated her relationship with West gets, the harder Caroline has to struggle to discover what she wants for herself—and the easier it becomes to find the courage she needs to fight back against the people who would judge her. When all seems lost, sometimes the only place to go is deeper.

This book was sooo properly named. Deeper is the ways that Robin York is able to develop her characters, able to truly develop her thoughts, the way I was able to fall in love with this book. I don't know if I would call it a favorite yet but I know I would love to re-read this, this time in print form.

I'm not exactly sure how I feel about the New Adult genre. I've read argument for it and against it but I will say most of what I've read, sounds pretty much the same in the genre. Most of novels/series in the genre are about a male lead (typically a man-whore) and the female lead (who is either adequately experienced or equal to the male's experience) who have sexual tension between them.

Also, one or both leads has a toxic back-story/history that contributes negatively to the story. In this story, West is the poor one whose dad is a loser that his mom keeps taking back despite the good man she has at home and West's younger sister. He managed to charm the pants off this rich guy (and literally his wife) who pay for his tuition. On the side he works at a bakery where he deals on the side at his college. Caroline is the rich daughter of a judge (or lawyer, I don't remember) who has been sheltered all her life.

After she breaks up with her long time boyfriend, Nate, Caroline believes that everything is fine between them and they'll be friends. But Nate doesn't feel that way at all. At some point in their relationship, Caroline was going down on Nate and he took pictures of her. She, sadly, trusted that he'd be the only one to see them. Flash forward to the present where Caroline's best friend emails her link where her face and his dick is plastered on the web. I felt soooo bad for her. Especially because Nate doesn't just don this one but twice. The second time is in the last chunk of the story after he gets his ass kicked by West, Caroline's new boo-thang.

The different ways this situation can effect a person is thoroughly examined in this novel. I loved that the way Nate didn't realize just how badly the extent of the damage of what he had done affected Caroline. Other then currently messing up her life, he didn't really think about it. However, Caroline knew. Not only did it affect the way her future teachers and future law schools and possibly future voters. Every time she met a new guy who was nice or tried to flirt with her or she just saw, she had to re-examine his motives for his actions. She had to examine what clothes she planned on wearing in case it brings more "slut" thoughts about her. Nate didn't think about anything but the short term effects of what he was doing. And the second time he did it, the pictures were so wide-spread they were most definitely going to come up in future.

I enjoyed the points that were brought up in this scenario. No one thinks about what Nate did wrong. Instead, everyone is too busy slut-shaming Caroline.

She should've been smarter then that.

She shouldn't have allowed him to take these pictures of her.

She is the one who is punished by society even though he made the pictures public.

SMH, talk about true life double standards. It's sad how true and real life this is. The scene where Caroline is trying to explain this to her dad and he has the audacity to insinuate that her present situation is her fault pissed me off. Oh my God, can we not allow men to take responsibility for their actions? That's like blaming the girl who got raped because she wasn't wearing proper-attire or because she wasn't drunk!

Sorry about the mini rant but society is slowly pissing me off as I get older. I was especially pissed when her sister tried to email her and her first sentence was "I forgive you."

Anyways, I loved the sex scenes in this novel. Usually in new adult or romance novels, the shy-inexperienced-compared-to-the-guy female manages to be naturally good at sex. Like the first time she does anything remotely sexual (like going down on the guy like Caroline does) she is instantly a master. Like, dude that's not realistic. Don't go around acting like inexperienced people can give as good as pros to an actual pro. But here when Caroline does it, we get West's point of view and he tells us while it's okay there are certain things that she could do to be better. And although he tries to act like it's all good, Caroline makes him tell her what he wants. I liked that for two reasons. Not only was it real, but Caroline recognized this delusion and tries to better herself and not be modest about it.

I also loved Caroline as a character. West had one of those stupid internal conflicts where he decides to break off his entanglements with his love interest for whatever reason without telling her why. Caroline is a little hurt and then she goes out with her rugby teammates (I wish they were featured in this story more so Caroline would have a fuller developed life post-sex scandal that wasn't just West) to this party. West shows up and kisses her in front of everyone in this random, nearly speechless, but passionate encounter before he takes off again. Despite it being swoon worthy, Caroline doesn't take the road of other romantic heroines. Instead of the typical no-don't-do-that/why-did-you-do-that before the guy entices her in some kind of sexual encounter in most books like this, Caroline rightfully tells him off.

And she raises a valid point. Why do guys in novels decide they don't want to be with a girl, then pull a stunt like that when they have previously stated THEY DON'T WANT TO BE TOGETHER?!?!!? Caroline was right to be pissed off. Not only is that playing with her emotions but it was utterly pointless except marking her like a dog does a fire hydrate to other dogs guys who may come sniffing around (like Scott, Caroline's semi-other love interest who was there for this moment). Not only does she tell him off, but she gives him an ultimatum. Either they are together or not (I'm paraphrasing but that's pretty close).

It took a little bit for their relationship to grow on me. I didn't like the way the beginning of their relationship was introduced. Why did West have to say something like that in front of the girl's dad. No wonder he doesn't like you. And why were they so into each other before they actually knew each other. It was more then a crush but not exactly insta-love.

Whatever it was, I didn't like any of their interactions until he invites her inside the bakery. After that I enjoyed it. I do wish we could get a little more of their relationship outside of their back stories and attraction to each other. But I do love that they talk about their issues. Especially because Caroline's realistic fears about how the revenge porn scandal has effected her in regards to sex and guys was not only talked about but dealt with. West takes it slow with her. When they start doing stuff (stupidly as Friends With Benefits) they only make out and have all these lines and boundaries that I definitely enjoy. You definitely don't see that in stories like these. Usually each encounter is a build up to the first time the characters have sex. However, in this story they use these interactions to truly get to know each other  and their bodies.

The only part of York's writing that I struggled with was when Caroline would start hearing the men's voices in her head. In the beginning, I completely understood it. Actually I always understood it but the ways the author kept reminding us who and what these men are doing to her started getting a little redundant after a while. But it made sense to me.

This story is the beginning of a trilogy which I know some people didn't like. Although I see their point (in this day and age, too many authors are adding sequels to books that could've been great stand-a-lones), in Deeper's cause I disagree. The revenge porn incident is the catalyst that brings West and Caroline together. I want more of her journey. I want to see what happens with their school and Nate getting in trouble. I want to see the legal interactions in court instead of a two paragraph summary in a epilogue. I want to see Nate finally understand the extent of damage he's done to Caroline and to feel remorse. I want to see how this scandal will effect Caroline's future and how she'll deal with it. I also want to see West's journey in regards to his family. His mom pisses me the fuck off and I'm really worried about what may happen to his little sister. That's why I loved this story. It's so realistic in the point that people have more going on then just their romantic relationships. And not just how those other things effect their relationship or as mild sub-plots but as actual issues for the characters. I definitely recommend this book!

Don't Look Back (Jennifer L. Armentrout)

Samantha is a stranger in her own life. Until the night she disappeared with her best friend, Cassie, everyone said Sam had it all-popularity, wealth, and a dream boyfriend. Sam has resurfaced, but she has no recollection of who she was or what happened to her that night. As she tries to piece together her life from before, she realizes it's one she no longer wants any part of. The old Sam took "mean girl" to a whole new level, and it's clear she and Cassie were more like best enemies. Sam is pretty sure that losing her memories is like winning the lottery. She's getting a second chance at being a better daughter, sister, and friend, and she's falling hard for Carson Ortiz, a boy who has always looked out for her-even if the old Sam treated him like trash. But Cassie is still missing, and the facts about what happened to her that night isn't just buried deep inside of Sam's memory-someone else knows, someone who wants to make sure Sam stays quiet. All Sam wants is the truth, and if she can unlock her clouded memories of that fateful night, she can finally move on. But what if not remembering is the only thing keeping Sam alive?

I was so excited about this book, I really was but it disappointed me. And it wasn't the plot (the main non-romantic plot was kick ass). Instead it was the bland characters and the writing that bored me and had me skimming this novel. Oh, god, not to mention the dialogue.

When Sam was like, "I'm so going to kill her," I was like,

Except for names, appearances and connections to other characters, there were no defining characteristics for any of the characters. What did Sam love to do other then shopping? What did she want to go to Yale to study? Did she have any new interests as New-Sam? What did Carson want to go to Penn State and study?Sam was the typical Mean Girl who used to rule her school There's nothing unique about her. She has a copy-cat near lookalike best friend, Cassie and a boyfriend that everyone covets. Of course Cassie and the boyfriend (Del) messed around behind Sam's back before she lost her memory. And Del is the typical good looking, rich, top athlete (in this case baseball) at her school. And a loser. Who the fuck sends pictures of their girlfriend going down on them around school-while she is your girlfriend? Are you trying not to ever get it again? And who the fuck takes him back?

Anyway, now that Sam is New Sam, she doesn't want to be like that anymore. She wants the friend she gave up (her brother's girlfriend Julie) back in exchange for Veronica, Candy but not Lauren (the nice one of her Mean Girls group). So she does this by getting pissed off at the Mean Girls for calling people fat and stopped dressing like a model. Not to mention she decides she wants Carson, who is the son of Sam's groundskeeper.

The plot though-the main plot was sooo interesting. I didn't give a crap about Carson and Sam's feelings for each other. That was obvious from Day One when she saw him and was so head-over-heels for him and thought he was her boyfriend. There was nothing unique about Carson except he's Mexican and good looking but that's it. Anyway, I started wondering if Don't Look Back was going to follow in the footsteps of Choker making the protagonist crazy and everything in her head. However, while she was a little crazy (understandable seeing the circumstances that caused the trauma in the first place) she didn't kill Cassie.

I had guessed from the times Sam had said that she and Cassie looked alike that they were going to somehow be related. Sam's parents aren't in love. The old money mom is embarrassed of her relationship with the scholarship Yale student she married. However, she doesn't want to divorce him because she doesn't want to be talked about. Anyway, Sam's dad had an one-night-stand with Cassie's mom at some point and she agreed to leave town with their daughter. That child would've fucked up his marriage especially seeing the pre-nup that is in place so he refused to acknowledge her. Later, Cassie and her mom come to town and somehow Cassie has found her birth certificate with her real dad's name on it (talk about amateurs). And goes all Wicked Witch of the West for the next couple of years.

               

The night in question, Cassie (for some random reason on this night) decides to set Sam up to hear the truth. She and Sam's dad meet up at the lake and fight as she begs him to be in her life. (Sad). But then she decides to blackmail him and he (accidently?) pushes her off the cliff where she dies. He doesn't know that Sam is there until she comes shooting out of the trees and slips and falls too. Her fucked up dad thinks they're both dead and leaves them there WITHOUT A CELL PHONE! Because he didn't want to lose the rich lifestyle he'd become accustomed too.

However, the trauma was great to Sam. She saw her best friend/secret sister get killed by her father and then nearly died afterwards. She hallucinated Cassie's killer in the back of her car which caused her to have a car accident. And all the notes she was getting, she was actually writing to herself.

I should've been able to figure out from the notes. Actually, no I shouldn't. I don't know why Sam was writing these notes to herself when they weren't helpful at all. They were vague (and stupid) enough to keep up the suspicion that it was someone else writing the notes to her.

#1) Don't look back. You won't like what you'll find.
#2) There was blood on the rocks. Her blood. Your blood.
#3) You know why she was at the lake.
#4) You know who killed Cassie.
#5) Don't let him know you remember anything.

Towards the ending, it seems like the author started rushing herself. The final memory of That Night which is broken up in two different chapters, is recounted to us as a story through Sam instead of a flashback like all the others we had seen. I really would've loved to hear the dialogue between Cassie and Sam's dad and to feel exactly what Sam was feeling. Not to mention what happened when she fell and hurt herself too. And why the heck did the dad take her phone? What made Cassie randomly decide to confront the dad that night out of all times.

Anyway, if you can get past the horrible dialogue (most high schoolers say ass not "butt"), the cardboard characters and the lack of interesting romance, I would recommend this book.

For the plot.

Strictly for the plot. 

The One & Only (Emily Giffin)

Thirty-three-year-old Shea Rigsby has spent her entire life in Walker, Texas—a small college town that lives and dies by football, a passion she unabashedly shares. Raised alongside her best friend, Lucy, the daughter of Walker’s legendary head coach, Clive Carr, Shea was too devoted to her hometown team to leave. Instead she stayed in Walker for college, even taking a job in the university athletic department after graduation, where she has remained for more than a decade. But when an unexpected tragedy strikes the tight-knit Walker community, Shea’s comfortable world is upended, and she begins to wonder if the life she’s chosen is really enough for her. As she finally gives up her safety net to set out on an unexpected path, Shea discovers unsettling truths about the people and things she has always trusted most—and is forced to confront her deepest desires, fears, and secrets.

BEFORE READING
Just reading the reviews and seeing the others who hated all the Texas and football in this book makes me want to read it. I'm from Texas and in the South, football is like a second religion. A reviewer seemed pissed off by the books point that no one cares if you've been raped if the guy plays football, and sadly this really does occur in high school, college and pro-ball. The summary intrigued me but so did the other readers opinions. I can't wait to get my hands on this book.

AFTER READING
I wasn't sure what to expect from this book. I don't really run into books that talk about football in the Texas setting so much. And usually when you see girls like Shea, they don't seem 100% authentic. Girls like Shea who are that into football are usually in romance novels that have a little more emphasis on sex and seem only as a plot device to intense the male lead. However, Shea doesn't seem like that at all. Overall, I'm not sure how I felt about her as a character. Mainly it was her crush on her best friend's coach that got me. I really was psycho-analyzing her reasons for have feelings for Coach.

I figured it was because of her complicated relationship with her father. He is the impiety of guys who don't know what they want. He cheated on his first wife with Shea's mom, married her, had a kid with her then turned around and decided he wanted his first wife and daughter and left them. Coach was the only kind of father-figure in Shea's life so I figured that's why she liked him. I didn't expect for him to return her feelings and I definitely wasn't expecting for them to be together. Especially in light of how The One & Only begins. Lucy's mom and Coach's wife has just lost her battle to cancer and passed away as the novel opens. And this awakens something in Shea as she realizes she's going nowhere in life.

She stayed in town and went to Walker U, (the university that Coach coaches at, and the fictional rival of the University of Texas-Austin) works at Walker.

She's dating this boring but well-meaning loser, Miller and is doing nothing with her life. The funeral at the beginning serves as a catalyst to Shea questioning what she's done with her life and (annoyingly so) it's Coach who actually motivates a change. She quits her job at Walker U and starts working as a sports journalist at the Dallas Morning Post. She breaks up with Miller and starts dating the Dallas Cowboys (fictional) quarterback and Walker alum, Ryan James. Whoo! No more Tony Romo!

Anyway, he seemed nice enough in the beginning. Against her reservations, Shea sleeps over (haha, but doesn't sleep over) the night of their first date. Then pretty soon they're having sex. I was concerned because Ryan just ended a marriage and is keeping in touch with his wife. However, he's not cheating and if anyone is hiding their relationship, it's Shea. She doesn't want to be in the spotlight and she doesn't want Coach to know.

If there was any doubts about Coach and Shea's relationship in the beginning, Giffin did a good job of taking Shea's unrequited crush into genuine love between both characters. She actually developed a relationship past the platonic one that existed before between Shea and Coach that was real and legitimate. One of the things I really liked about this book is that Giffin has no problem breaking Shea's hero worship of Coach. Despite her argument against my (and her father's thoughts) that her feelings for Coach were just due to his role as a father figure in her life, her feelings for him weren't just because of him being who he was. However, it isn't because he's a stand-in father figure that she likes him, but Shea worships him a pure, sinless football god. For the two to truly be able to move forward in their relationship this has to be broken and Shea has to see him as a person.

I had a bunch of questions about the relationship. For a long time, I assumed that Coach wasn't going to return Shea's feelings and she'd end her relationship with Dallas Cowboys quarterback, Ryan Jame and end up alone. However, that's not what happened. So when I saw the direction the novel was going I started wondering how exactly this relationship would work. But Shea insisted that she didn't want kids. But I still wondered if Coach wanted to marry her one day, how exactly would that work? Being her best friends stepmom?

Which reminds me of another aspect about their relationship I kept wondering about: Lucy. Lucy's reaction to Shea and Coach's relationship was valid to me.

a) She was closer to her mother
b) and her mother has recently died
c) not to mention, Lucy can't picture her dad with anyone but her mother
d) ...let alone her own best friend
e) ...who already has a relationship with her father that Lucy's jealous of.

No wonder she was mad! No matter what Shea says, Coach was not a good father to Lucy. She didn't want to have anything to do with his football world and he didn't try to meet her on another level like she tried to with him. Throughout the entire novel this doesn't change. Lucy keeps trying and Coach doesn't care. He tries in his relationship with Shea and Lucy even allows the two to be together in the end. But in the last glimpse we see of them, Coach still isn't trying to create a better relationship with Lucy. He even forgets Lucy's birthday and hilariously enough, his granddaughter called him out on it.

I died!

I will admit, yes there's a lot of football in this book. Maybe a little too much for Giffin's target audience without some kind of glossary or clues. However, I only found myself skimming over one scene that had too much football for me.

One complaint I do have is the alleged rape is dealt very off-handedly and like an afterthought in the story. I still don't understand why Coach decided to bring it up especially since it wasn't really dealt with. It actually kind of pissed me off how Shea and Coach were so sure to dismiss the victim's story because they "'can't believe Ryan would even rape someone."

Are you serious? Do you know how many mothers and fathers, sons and daughters, friends, siblings and co-workers insisted that alleged rapists weren't rapists when they actually are. You weren't in the room therefore you don't know. Did she not remember just earlier in the book that she didn't think Ryan would ever grab on her and hurt her? Talk about Too Stupid To Live. That really pissed me off. That was some true ignorance that I don't know if the author meant to include in the story or not.

Otherwise this was a very interesting read and I enjoyed seeing my home (properly and realistically) portrayed in literature.

The Probability of Miracles (Wendy Wunder)

Dry, sarcastic, sixteen-year-old Cam Cooper has spent the last seven years in and out hospitals. The last thing she wants to do in the short life she has left is move 1,500 miles away to Promise, Maine - a place known for the miraculous events that occur there. But it's undeniable that strange things happen in Promise: everlasting sunsets; purple dandelions; flamingos in the frigid Atlantic; an elusive boy named Asher; and finally, a mysterious envelope containing a list of things for Cam to do before she dies. As Cam checks each item off the list, she finally learns to believe - in love, in herself, and even in miracles. A debut novel from an immensely talented new writer, The Probability of Miracles crackles with wit, romance and humor and will leave readers laughing and crying with each turn of the page.

First off, yayyyy for a protagonist that's not white for once!

Or, at least not full white. Not to mention Cam's other culture (she's half Samoan) is completely embraced in this novel. There's even a scene where one of her friends tries to make a little joke about her Samoan side but she quickly sets them straight. You go, girl!

There are few books that make me want to reread them in physical form (versus in electronic form), but this is one of them. Despite the different plot points and characteristics that frequent most contemporary YA novels, this one managed to stay original...mostly.

Most importantly, Cam is dying of cancer. And Since her father died, Alicia (Cam's mom) has been with a bunch of different guys. Therefore Cam has learned true love=not real. Commitment=doesn't exist. People=are fickle. Also, Cam is a very sarcastic, I'm-not-a-typical-teenager teenager. The story isn't told through her point of view but third person, however the focus remains strictly on Cam. 

Cam has a best friend (who also has the same cancer) who is having an affair with another girl's boyfriend. I was really hoping this plot-line was going to be different. First the guy, Ryan, goes to youth group and his girlfriend won't have sex with him. Lily (the best friend) goes to youth group too but will have sex with him. When we first see Ryan and Lily interact he seems to go beyond the stereotypes the plot demands of him. He waits for Lily to eat before he does, he helps her when she has a remission-caused nosebleed and seems like he genuinely cares about her. But when Cam gets him alone and asks his intentions, Ryan basically states he doesn't see the point of dumping his girlfriend for him. I can't decide if he thinks this because she is dying or because he really doesn't want to be with her. It sucked.

Cam's best friend also ties in another plot device from other YA stories. When she and Cam were younger and were away at what seemed like a cancer camp, they each made bucket lists. However, to keep them from sounding so depressing they call them Flamingo lists. 

A lot of Cam's sarcasm and personality comes out in her penning of the list, which is a sad ode to the life of a teenager/teens in YA. (Is this really what we're like?)

FLAMINGO LIST (I rearranged them in the order they are achieved)

* Experiment with petty shoplifting.

* Have an awkward moment with my best friend’s boyfriend.

* Dabble in some innocent stalking behavior.

* Drink beer.

* Lose my virginity at a keg party.

* Have my heart broken by an asshole.

* Stay out all night.

* Wallow in misery, mope, pout, and sleep through Saturday.

* Get fired from a summer job.

* Go cow-tipping.

* Kill my little sister’s dreams.

Anyways, in the beginning of the novel Cam has just found out that she is in remission yet again but this time there is nothing the doctors can do for her. This flashback was really sad because Cam's doctor was upset and she was trying to make him feel better. So her mom is like, we're going to find a cure. She hears about this magical miracle town in Maine called Promise and whisks Cam and her little sister Perry away from their DisneyWorld life (they work/live at DisneyWorld, BTW) and leaves her current boyfriend behind.

Once in Promise, miracles ignite. Almost immediately in their entrance to the town Cam meets a boy named Asher. Asher is a bunch of cliches. He is a good-looking football player who has the cream of the crop (what the hell does that saying even mean?) to chose from with girls. However, in his spare time Asher enjoys getting hand jobs from older women. Also, Asher is afraid. He's afraid to leave Promise because his parents died when they left, so what if he does too?

In the beginning I liked Cam and Asher's relationship. Yes, she thought he was cute and engaged in some innocent stalking from her widows walk but he wasn't all that she was thinking about. Cam still had a personality past her crush on Asher. And their relationship seemed to progress at a good phase. That is, until Cam's new employer and Asher's aunt reveals his back story to her. I felt like this took the place of a actual intimate bonding moment between the two characters that could've furthur developed their relationship. Instead, it was still used as such. Soon a rift occurs between Cam, Asher, Perry and Alicia, they kiss and soon are all touchy-feely with each other.

Cam soon gets a lot of her list done. In one night and the fallout that follows, she manages to knock a good three or four off her list. Perry insists that she goes to a island rager which you have to zip-line to get too. Once there Cam actually makes some friends her age like this girl named Sunny and starts hula dancing. She also drinks a little and manages to catch a drunkie. The guy's name is Alec and he is a French exchange student. He leads Cam to this boat where they start making out. She tries to tell him no, but he's all:

and takes her virginity even though she didn't say yes. In fact, she specifically said no. So it was non-consensual sex. I know she didn't fight and later said that it actually started feeling good...until it didn't but still. If someone says no, it means:

I didn't even really process what the fuck had happened until later when I re-read that scene. Ugh, what a fucking loser. Then on top of that, (of course) Alec has a girlfriend. A girlfriend that Cam sorta-kinda-but-not-really be friends as time passes. I know she had given up on finding love before she died but I really wish that she could've had a different first time.

This book brought up some good points. Like Perry goes off on Cam once for not recognizing that as young as she is, she's had to make sacrifices for Cam's illness too. Cam isn't the only one being effected by her cancer. So is her mom and her sister. I think it's fairly easy in books like these for the authors and main characters to get lost in their struggle and seeing the grief in the people around them that they forget this aspect. The loved ones of someone with cancer aren't just mourning, they are making sacrifices for the cancer patient whether they are dying and trying to find a cure. It was so sad though to hear Perry have to tell Cam this. 
One of the main issues in the story is that Cam refuses to believe in miracles. She refuses to believe that the town was magical. She even gets into a fight with her mom and sister about this. They beg her to believe and she refuses. Trying to help them, she tries to make her mom's garden magically grow overnight and makes a donkey into a unicorn for her sister. However, she fails miserably.

At this point Cam hits the lowest of low points. Desperately needing someone to talk to, she tries to call Lily but her mother informs her that Lily actually died three days ago and they had forgotten to call Cam and let her know. Finally Cam is done.

She decides that she's tired of living and takes a bunch of pills and tries to drive her car off a cliff. But the pills kick in too soon and she crashes into a bouncy house and Asher manages to find her (after his dick's happy time) and forces her to throw up the pills. After this, she manages to work everything out with her family and Asher. This actually leads to Asher cutting off the older girl and he and Cam eventually start dating.

Everything seems good for a while. Somehow Lily managed to send Cam a couple of gifts beyond the grave. The first is the now-bedazzled picture of them that Cam stole from her house. She also actually made a real version of that book thing they were writing together. She also sent Cam her own Flamingo list. The only thing that wasn't checked (I was soooooo sad. I had hoped things would change for her) was "find true love" but Cam decided that she, herself had. The last thing Lily arranged was a Make a Wish gift that ironically sent Cam back home to DisneyWorld with her friends.

Just as she prepares to take Asher and her friends to DisneyWorld, Asher notices a blue spot (a symptom of her disease) on her, but she blows it off. Her focus is getting him and her friends outside of Promise to show them what the world is like. Her mother kept refusing to let her go because she was scared that leaving Promise would send Cam in remission. She's partly right, but the new blue spot appears right before they even leave. Anyway, the trip is nice, she and Asher have sex (although they've had sex before this and are dating now, hence the touch-feely period) and they bring back Alicia's left behind boyfriend because Cam realizes now that her sister and mother love him more then just temporarily. The boyfriend proposes to the mom and they get married in Promise.

This is where the next couple of chapters keep having the perfect endings for the novel, but they aren't the endings. It'll just be another chapter. Cam starts semi-dreaming of the future. She's been accepted into Harvard and Asher is semi-considering leaving Promise. However, Cam can feel death coming for her. The symptoms started just before she left Promise and are only getting worse. But then the two of them get into a  huge fight as Cam tries to push Asher to leave Promise. It almost sounds like a last wish. Angry, Asher goes out in the sea and a huge storm appears.

A ghost ancestor of his appears to Cam and tells her that yes, she will be dying soon but she has to call him back. Cam holds on for as long as she can before she passes out. Her family has to leave Promise to get her to a real hospital. Cam says goodbye to her family and luckily Asher appears and they say their goodbyes.

And then she dies. My first thought was: What? WHAT? She dies? She dies? What the hell kind of book is called The Probability of Miracles and she actually dies!!?! Was that the point? So we could calculate the chances of the things that Cam did experience in Promise were actually miracles? Or were they just a bunch of coincidences? Was it a coincidence that the flamingos came there or were they really for her? Was it a coincidence that she was getting better before she died or was it really the works of a miracle that didn't work?

But maybe the miracle wasn't that Cam was supposed to live. Maybe the miracle was that she actually saw and experienced love and died with it. I know when she died she was surprised she still felt the love of all her loved ones. Maybe the miracle was Asher. Maybe the miracle was finding friends, a family. Maybe the miracle was seeing that true love and commitment were real despite her past and people like Alec probing her wrong. Maybe the miracle was the love Cam actually had to earn from Asher and Sunny and the others and the love she witnessed between Perry, her mother and her boyfriend. Maybe that's the miracle: love.

Anyway, despite my spoiling of the plot you should definitely read this book. I loved the writing and some of the characters. This book is underrated on Goodreads and should definitely be read more.

Being Sloane Jacobs (Lauren Hoppill)

Meet Sloane Emily Jacobs: a seriously stressed-out figure-skater from Washington, D.C., who choked during junior nationals and isn’t sure she’s ready for a comeback. What she does know is that she’d give anything to escape the mass of misery that is her life. Now meet Sloane Devon Jacobs, a spunky ice hockey player from Philly who’s been suspended from her team for too many aggressive hip checks. Her punishment? Hockey camp, now, when she’s playing the worst she’s ever played. If she messes up? Her life will be over. When the two Sloanes meet by chance in Montreal and decide to trade places for the summer, each girl thinks she’s the lucky one: no strangers to judge or laugh at Sloane Emily, no scouts expecting Sloane Devon to be a hero. But it didn’t occur to Sloane E. that while avoiding sequins and axels she might meet a hockey hottie—and Sloane D. never expected to run into a familiar (and very good-looking) face from home. It’s not long before the Sloanes discover that convincing people you’re someone else might be more difficult than being yourself.

It wasn't until I was about a fourth of the way into this book before I realized that, hey, this is the Princess and the Pauper...just, on ice.

Each of the Sloane Jacobs is trying to run from something. Both are having family problems as well as each are choking on the ice. I almost wish they were the same character because they might as well have been. The problem I wondered going into this book was how the author was going to try to make each voice distinct and she kind of failed in my opinion. S. Emily is the rich figure skater whose senator father is having an affair with his secretary.

She happened to walk into his office and see...this part I'm not so sure about. Emily spent a good chunk of the novel trying to hide this from us. And when the scene was finally described to us, I wasn't entirely sure what she saw. Anyways, this is what has been causing her to choke because her mother doesn't know what she witnessed but her dad does. And he tries to buy her off with money and snacks. (Lol, what a loser.)

Then there's S. Devon. She's the Pauper counter part of this story. I can't remember exactly why she keeps choking on ice but she describes the sensation as "tingles". Haha, funny that she's supposed to be this badass hockey player who refers to choking as 'tingles'. 

Anyways, Devon is supposedly dating this musician named Dylan who never is shown in the story and she only has one interaction with. In fact, now that I think about it, she cheats on him. But more about him later. Devon's mom is also an alcoholic who got banished away to rehab and now Devon is about to get banished to hockey camp after getting into a fight on the ice.

At the hotel both girls are staying at before leaving for their respective camps they run into each other and have a very Parent Trap reaction with the other. First they don't like each other, then they realize they look pretty damn similar. 

This part of the novel was very Suspend All Your Disbelief. Because apparently both Sloane's are 5'4 and have the same dark, long hair but Devon has more pounds then Emily. It's not already crazy enough that they share a name but now they have the same height and hair color. Too much. Anyways, then S. Emily gets the idea for them to switch. With a night of preparation the girls switch places. 

Devon goes off to rich people's figure skating camp. She quickly finds out figure skating is harder then she thought and makes friends with a black guy and a redhead. The redhead is literally only seen like three times in the book but suddenly she and Devon are close? Okay... Andy, the African American, was the typical token black BFF. I nearly thought the author was going to a another level and make him gay, but I don't think that's what she was doing. Haha, I'm not sure. 

Just when I was happy that a Character of Color wasn't having their skin color compared to food or coffee, Devon runs into Nando. This guy she knew back at home who I think is Hispanic or Spanish or something. His skin is described as coffee with cream or sugar. Who the fuck remembers what coffee looks like when you add stuff to it? Anyways, Devon finds him delightfully attractive but falls too fast. I never understood the concept of Insta-Love until reading this scene. Not it all makes sense. What I do like is that Devon managed to keep her wits about her and her priorities straight... Mostly. Nando is supposed to be at college on hockey scholarship but he reveals that the pressure got to him and he dropped out. Devon went all Bella-Swan on his ass and decided not to tell him about her own choking issues as well as running away to get away from this. Her reasoning is that he seems to hold on to the idea that she is thriving, so so can he. She's his life line.

Meanwhile, S. Emily is at hockey camp. She meets this guy named Matt who is the typical man-whore who has been in a lot of places... haha, there was no better way to put it. However, he soon is chasing after Emily claiming that:

While neither romances really grabbed me Matt's character really pissed me off. He and Emily agree to be friends and then he gets mad at her when she blows off watching game tape with him and his team. First, she had something else to do. Also, it's not like you were alone; your whole freaking team was there!!! And his response and the way her doormat ass apologized really irked me. Like, mother like daughter, I suppose. Anyways, his next plan of action is to ambush her with a surprise obviously not a just-friends picnic then takes her around town where they kiss. They really don't know each other, except to impress him she pulled a fire alarm, they rode on the bus to camp together and she told him she didn't want to be with him because he was gross. They really did not convince me.

Anyways, both girls also attract bullies and while the Doormat (aka Emily) actually manages to tame hers, Devon isn't as successful. Both girls are living life happily until shit hits the fan.

First, Nando happens to run into Matt and hears him gushing all about his Sloane Jacobs. Angry that she has been playing him when she has a whole other guy, Nando gets mad and takes off. Haha, ironically he has an right to be mad. Sure, Devon isn't really dating Matt and stringing him along but there is the whole matter of Dylan back at home.

Emily's dad's scandal is exposed and Devon's evil roommate sees a picture of Emily and realizes that she isn't who she is claiming to be. She tries to blackmail Devon into leaving (this happens literally like three times in this story) but Devon gets mad and tries to kick her ass. Then runs away.

She goes to Emily's camp and tells her what's up and Matt overhears everything. He flips shit because (and ironically he has a point) Emily made a big deal about not being able to trust him when she was the one who was lying. She didn't tell him the truth. They fight, she cries and he leaves. Then she and Devon make a plan to run away again. They'll meet up at the airport and run. But in the end, they change their minds and finish out the games/showcases they've been preparing for for a month. Both do well and each of their real parents (not Emily's dad though) see them. Each girl manages to fix things with their boys and their families seem okay.

The ending also annoys me because there really is no diversity between the girls' voices. Devon is supposed to be a tomboy but yet she knows the names of designer handbags and is giving more feminine descriptions of things. And in the end, they both decide they aren't sure if they want to stick with their sports any long. WHAT THE HELL? So what was the point of all this then?

The One [The Selection #3]

The Selection changed the lives of thirty-five girls forever. And now, the time has come for one winner to be chosen. America never dreamed she would find herself anywhere close to the crown—or to Prince Maxon's heart. But as the competition approaches its end and the threats outside the palace walls grow more vicious, America realizes just how much she stands to lose—and how hard she'll have to fight for the future she wants. From the very first page of The Selection, this #1 New York Times bestselling series has captured readers' hearts and swept them away on a captivating journey... Now, in The One, Kiera Cass delivers a satisfying and unforgettable conclusion that will keep readers sighing over this electrifying fairy-tale long after the final page is turned.

I don't know what it was about this book. But it pissed me off so much. And it's not like the author did some huge plot twist or something and I was completely taken off guard. Nope, the book pretty much went the way I thought it would-but more about that later.

Actually, maybe the problem is me. I'm a sophomore-going-on-junior in college; I just declared English as my second major and started studying literature. But the writing in this book pissed me offfff. It was atrocious. When I was reading, I suddenly couldn't remember why I feel in love with the first book of this series anymore. Like I said, maybe it was me. I think I had just graduated high school or was a college freshman when I read The Selection. But either way, I forced myself to power through this book just to close a chapter in my reading.

The book starts off with America trying to seduce Maxon after a rebel attack...literally. Haha, but that is an epic fail. America's is like:

Which Maxon responds to by leaving but not before he's all:

The plot is all bland and stupid. The king is like, "No, Maxon. America=bad." And the Queen's all, "I love all of you girls. I can't get close to you because only one of you will stay. This is just so hard on me." (Um, lady what about your son?). And Aspen's all, "Mer, 

But she doesn't want him anymore. The other four girls fight about Maxon, then decide no matter what happens they will be friends. Interestingly enough, they learn that they all want to marry Maxon for different reasons. As a  model Celeste fears that as she ages, she'll leave the spotlight unless she marries Maxon. Elise (or whatever her name is) was raised to be a perfectionist and if she doesn't win the best hand in marriage her family will consider her a failure. Although Kriss doesn't tell them (but we eventually discover), she is a Northern Rebel and was added to the thrown shamble of a contest to be undercover. 

But during the time America lost Maxon (it's been a while since I read The Selection so I don't remember exactly what she's referring to here) Kriss actually came to love Maxon. I can't decide if this is a cliche or sweet... 

Also, America and Maxon meet two Northern rebel leaders. One is a direct descendant of the first king of...what's the name of this place again? I forget. They tell Maxon to chose America (or Kriss) and he throws a temper tantrum.  Then he and America get into another of their 1,0001 fights in the book.

These two are idiots. They sneak off of castle grounds to the outside world where she picks up a hooker after she has just been shot. I don't know if I should blame America or her creator for this nonsense. First, the way that America handles her gunshot wound is poorly handled. Her shock and surprise make sense in the beginning, but she is still too clear-headed and able-bodied for me. A person who just got shot would not act the way America was. It does not take a genius to know that. 

There was more stuff that pissed me off. America's father dies. (Apparently he has health issues that is never brought up. Oh, and he's a Northern Rebel too. That explains the history book.). And this pissed me off even more. The only reason the author has for killing off America's dad is for a plot device. America goes home which disrupts the king's ultimatum proposal (the king tries to force America to do a propaganda proposal to promote the caste system. If she doesn't do it, the king will kick her out of the competition. At first America refused and she and Maxon got into the fight because if she had said yes to that-or when his dad asked if she loved him-he would've ended the competition. America has until Christmas Day to reconsider.) and forces Maxon and America to spend time apart. But other then that, America doesn't really mourn. She never cries while she's back at home or even throughout the rest of the book.

When she returns to castle, Maxon reveals his love for her and they spend the night together. 

    

However, another reason America's father died comes to play. While America was back home, her stupid brother called Aspen and America out for having a thing. America didn't realize her maid, Lucy had overheard the entire conversation (and was looking mighty-butt-hurt about being the last to know) and decided she needed to tell Maxon. But when she returns Maxon's Declaration of Love distracts her and she forgets. Maxon says that he's ending the competition in the morning and they will elope. That night Maxon sleeps in her room but literally the next morning everything's gone to hell. Maxon leaves and comes back just when America has placed her hand on Aspen's chest.

 I wasn't sure how I felt about this. Sure, the book danced around Maxon's unawareness of their past relationship to lead to this moment, but a hand on the chest should not have resulted in that reaction. Obviously Maxon is insecure. He throws a fit and claims Aspen and America have been having a affair around his back the whole time. He then takes his proposal back from America and gives it to Kriss (lol, who witnesses everything. Haha, she got leftovers!)

The giant "climax" of the book is so stupid. During Maxon's wedding to Kriss (ahahaha, I was dying that he made America still go and smile while she was at it. Hilarious!) the rebels attack. 

Of course it's not the Nice Rebels but the bad ones. They kill Celeste and nearly killed America but in a sequence that still confuses me, Maxon and Aspen saved the day. Yayyy.... 

Also, the king and queen were conveniently killed off during this attack. So America doesn't have to worry about the king thwarting her relationship with Maxon or him beating his ass any anymore. This also allows the kingdom to be saved. Yayyy....

In the crossfire of the battle, Maxon got shot and did a predictable 360 and told America he loved her (who didn't know that?!?). Then he forced Aspen to get her to a safe room where she boo-hooed and cried about Maxon, Maxon, Maxon. Lol, this idiot thought the boy had actually died. 

The best part during the attack was when Aspen bitch-slapped some sense into Kriss. I died!

Stupid-ass America walked around for I don't know how long crying about how Maxon was dead until Aspen got some sense into her. She left him making out with Lucy, one of her maids. It was really weird and random. I don't know where that came from. Apparently, they are in love. Okay...?

In the end, North rebels saved the day. They were all:

to the Southern Rebels and they listened. Lol, just kidding. Okay, what really happened is the Northern Rebels kicked all their asses. And the key to their success? As Apsen put it "They fight differently. They knew what to do."  

Haha, I can't. 

I really can't. 

In result, Maxon becomes king and is all, fuck this bitch, to the caste system and dissolves it. Next, America and Maxon have the Important Declaration of their Love (this always happens after a couple has bypassed the obstacles of the plot) and get married. I actually felt bad for Kriss. She really did care about Maxon and she was sooooo close to actually getting to be with him. I would not have stayed for that wedding if I was her. We get a flash to Maxon and America's wedding day where the author decides to randomly switch into present tense. There really isn't an update on what's been going on in the kingdom, the rebels or the dissolution of the caste system. Obviously, the important part is that Maxon and America did get married. 

Ugh. At least I'm done now. I was really hoping that the author was going to shake things up. She definitely would have surprised a bunch of people if Maxon really had married someone else. And all the plot resolutions were too simply tied up for me. They were literally being held together with a string. I'm not sure if I'll read something else from Kiera Cass. I think my tastes in writing are evolving and her writing style is a little too juvenile for me.